Chapter 1
Finding Balance

Just like when you drop a rock in water how we act and conduct ourselves in our everyday lives affects everyone around us. The rings start very close and then radiate outward. Our actions, words and deeds tend to affect those that are closest to us and then the “ripple affect” impacts the image and impact we have on others. In this light it becomes apparent that how we feel about ourselves at our inner core, affects all those around us. If you are insecure, angry, unhealthy or unhappy, you will radiate negative energy to everyone around you. On the other hand, if you exude confidence, happiness, good will, hope, and other positive feelings, you will have a completely different impact on everyone you encounter.
I have a tendency to take care of everyone else before taking care of myself. Have you ever been on an airplane and listened to the stewardess’ speech where she says, “In the event of an emergency, oxygen masks will be released. Place your own mask over your head before attending to younger passengers or others in need.”
I am sure you have heard this speech countless times, but why do they suggest this course of action? I think my first instinct in the event of a crash would be to protect my kids. The logical answer lies in the fact that if you are unconscious or incapacitated, you will not be able to help anybody else. However, if you are able to put your mask on first, you will be able to help many others to do the same.
This kind of thinking has been a learned behavior for me as it relates to taking care of myself. I think it takes initiative on your own and help from everyone around you to make finding balance possible. I have a heightened awareness of these truths by way of several tragedies and losses of family and friends that have illustrated the importance of taking care of yourself.
In my lifetime, I have lost friends and family members that died at early ages due to heart attacks, obesity, cancer and other ailments. In each of these situations, loving spouses, children and friends were faced with the loss of someone vital in their lives. I do not know if any of these circumstances could have been prevented, but regular exercise, eating well and attempting to reduce the stress in our lives must help.

WORK HABITS

How do you balance work with the rest of your life? I have a successful client who believes that most people educate themselves for a third of their lives, work for a third of their lives and then play for a third of their lives; usually in that order. The problem he says is what if you go to school till you are 21, work until you are sixty-five, and then die and don’t get to enjoy that last third.
He has discovered the perfect solution. His motto is to live his life in thirds every day, (1/3 learning, 1/3 working, and 1/3 playing), that way if he dies early he won’t have missed out on the good stuff. He is now in his late sixties, so he has definitely lived a full and varied life. Why not live this way? You never know when your number is going to come up.
I recently read a quote that summarizes this concept nicely. The quote is from Robert Louis Stevenson, who was a Scottish novelist, essayist and poet,

“Perpetual devotion to what a
man calls his business is only to be
sustained by perpetual neglect of
many other things.”


In my business, it would be very easy for me to work 80 or 100 hours per week. As an independent contractor, the day never ends and there is always more to be done. By putting in more hours it is conceivable I might gain more financially. In this regard, I have to ask myself if it is worth it? If I die in a car accident tomorrow, will I be glad I spent one more night at the office or will I be glad I came home early to fly a kite with my kids? Although our society places a great deal of emphasis on material possessions, I find the latter is more gratifying.
Not long ago I was talking to my children about how exciting it is to fly a kite. As I described my childhood recollections of launching a kite up in the air I suggested that that as fall approached, we needed to keep our eyes out for a good kite-flying day. One afternoon, I was at the office and noticed that there was a breeze developing. I accelerated what I was working on and rushed home. I got the kids ready and we hurried out to the park. With conditions that were just right we were able to get the kites up right away. It did not take long before several other kids in the neighborhood came out to join us. What happened next was pretty cool.
Our park is at the front of our neighborhood and as many of the dads and moms drove by and saw us out, they ran home and got their kids and kites and came out to participate. Soon we had a bunch of us out enjoying a fall evening.
If I had stayed late at the office that day I would have made a few more phone calls, returned a couple more emails and finished out another day. Instead, by coming home early, I was able to have an afternoon I will never forget. In my job, I cannot always swing a free afternoon, but when presented with the opportunity, I am sure glad I came home.
Let me draw a distinction, I pride myself on being a hard worker and am not advocating being lazy. To the contrary, I love the motto of the US Army, “We accomplish more by 9 AM than most people do all day.” I strive to be very efficient in how I use my time. I don’t stand around in the break room; I get my work done, I enjoy the people I work with but I make a concerted effort to get home to my family as quick as I can. I frequently ask myself the following question, “What things can I do to better balance my commitments at work with the important things in my life?”

EXERCISE AND DIET

Exercise and diet are critical components of finding balance. People often say, “I just don’t have time to work out.” I believe it is really a matter of altering priorities. Maintaining a routine of regular exercise and a balanced diet is a learned behavior. I credit my wife with helping me recognize the importance of taking care of my health so that I can be around to be a better dad, husband, friend and more productive person overall.
It is true once exercise becomes a part of your life, you find that you can’t go without it. Statistics show that obesity is one of the leading causes of medical illness and death in the United States. Working out and eating well is a major issue for men.
I am an avid reader of “Men’s Health” magazine, and have come to enjoy the success stories, work out routines, and in depth articles about physical wellness. One of the most intriguing aspects of this periodical are the survey results and statistics that are posted at the bottom of the pages. In italics below are some interesting health facts that I have recently noted from Men’s Health along with my opinion as to what these facts mean:

“Surveys show that only 5 in 12 men think it is unlikely that they will ever have a heart attack.” So 7 in 12 think they will. What are they doing about it?
“A recent study by the National Center for Health Statistics found that only 19% of the population regularly engages in “high levels of physical activity.” (That’s defined as three intense 20-minute workouts per week.)” So 81% are not regularly engaging in “high levels of physical activity”….this is a very sad statistic.

“A 2003 study in the medical journal Stroke found that men with the highest stress levels had twice the risk of a fatal stroke compared with the slackers who said they were stress-free.” We are all exposed to stress; the question is how do you deal with it?

“1918 – the only year in the last 103 when heart disease wasn’t the leading killer of men.” How would this statistic change if more men implemented a better diet and regular exercise?

“38% of adults participate in no physical activities whatsoever.” An embarrassing US statistic.

“15 – The number of men in the world who will die of a heart attack in the next half hour.” What can be done to stop this from happening.

A friend of mine , who is a great Dad, offered the following thought about exercising as a part of his life:

“To be able to exercise 4 to 5 days a week takes a supportive spouse. But, both my wife and I have figured out what exercise does. It allows you to get by on less sleep, be more productive at the office, but more importantly it helps me to be a better husband and dad and she to be a better wife and mother.”

We have to learn how to take care of ourselves. As a former wrestler, I developed a dangerous pattern of getting into great shape during the season and then letting things go during the off-season. This pattern started to become a problem for me as I got out of college and was no longer involved regularly in competition. I started to put on a few pounds in what used to be the off-season and then did not lose them. The next year, the same cycle. At the age of 24, a height of 5’6” and weight of 178 pounds, I was in the worst physical condition of my entire life.
Because of my physical situation, my self esteem was affected; I did not feel very good about myself overall. I regularly visited a chiropractor for back problems and a podiatrist for foot problems. Looking back, I am convinced that the extra weight I was carrying directly contributed to the health issues I experienced.
After reaching this low point with my health, I accepted some encouragement from my then fiancé (who eventually became my wife) about the importance of regular exercise. But, it finally hit me when I attended a high school alumni 10 K “fun run” and I bumped into one of my old coaches who saw me and said, “What happened? Man you used to be one of the most physically fit guys I ever knew?” Determined to turn things around, I decided it was time to get back in shape. I started slowly but within six months began training for a marathon.
Over the last ten years, I’ve completed several marathons, numerous half marathons, and discovered a happy medium where I maintain my weight and stay fit. I pay attention to eating in moderation and eating healthy. With the program I have in place, my weight has stabilized around 155 pounds and has not fluctuated in years. I start every morning with ten minutes of stretching and make a concerted effort to exercise four to five days a week. I found a good balance of exercise and diet that allows me to feel much better about myself both physically and mentally.
Incidentally, those problems with my back and feet have all gone away. An interesting fact about being overweight when you consider the cost that poor health places on the medical industry and in turn on what you and I pay for insurance and medical bills.

MENTAL WELLNESS

Mental wellness is just as important as physical wellness when it comes to finding balance. It is critical to find activities and outlets that help keep you mentally balanced. What activities give you the release that you need to come back ready to tackle the world? For some it is taking time to read a book, exercising, going on a hiking trip, finding a hobby; whatever it is that gets you away from your everyday life so you can come back refreshed. As a father and husband, following is my definition of finding balance in life:

Balance is when you have the right amount of time alone (so that you feel good about yourself), the right amount of exercise (so that you are physically well), the right amount of time with the kids individually and collectively (so that they each know you care about them and so that you have no regrets), the right amount of time with your spouse (so that eventually when your kids grow up and move on you are still with the person that you want to be with), adequate time at work (so that you perform well, get things done and are proud of what you do), and last but equally important, time spent giving back, (so that if you die tomorrow at your funeral people will say, “He was a great guy who gave of himself to others”).

If you examine this definition of balance, the example of the ripple effect is evident. The way you feel about yourself at your inner core affects everything you do and everyone you encounter. But it starts with you.
The trouble with the pursuit of balance is that it seems to be an illusive state. Once you finally have things in order, life changes. I have been reminded of this truth many times.
As a young single guy I hoped that I would meet the perfect girl that might bring balance to my life. Once I met her I was challenged with balancing my time with friends, work and a girlfriend. Having children challenges your ability to maintain balance even more. This reminder has resonated many times for my wife and I as we have struggled to keep up with all of our kid’s activities.

Balance becomes even more important when you encounter obstacles in your life and relationships. As I think about challenges that I have faced and those of many friends who have encountered fertility issues, the reality of a sick child, the death of a loved one, divorce, financial hardship and in some cases abuse, I realize just how critical life balance is. In my life I have lost loved ones in tragic situations, and have been fortunate to have a strong foundation to help me through. Beyond what I can imagine, I have friends who have dealt with the loss of a child yet somehow maintained a sense of optimism. I continue to be amazed how having a well balanced life can truly help you through a difficult time.
For some facing a tragedy requires gathering strength from other parts of their lives. Maybe it is religious faith, for others it is drawing strength from friends and for others exercise provides a means of overcoming stress. In all of these situations, maintaining balance becomes phenomenally difficult. Yet it is the balance in your life and your ability to rely on other aspects of your world that can best help you through a hard time.
Maintaining balance does not afford you the opportunity to just sit back and say things are perfect now I can relax. Life is always changing and the state of balance requires constant pursuit. If you are in a place in your life where things just don’t seem right, it is possible that the balance you have with the important people in your life and your commitments may be off. Maybe there is too much emphasis in one area, or not enough in another.
A number of years ago I went through a powerful exercise with a friend of mine who is a business coach. One of the best sessions we spent together dealt with the topic of life balance. He challenged me to identify the fundamental things that are important to me and in so doing helped me better understand how to prioritize both the good and bad events that we face. Go get a piece of paper and walk through this exercise on your own.


• How do you define “success?” (Write down the definition in your own words) Stop and really define what being successful means to you.


• Identify some of your major goals in life. Big picture stuff. Where do you want to be in ten years? Who do you want to be with? What impact do you want to have on those that look up to you?

• Finally, if you died tomorrow, what would your friends and loved ones say at your funeral? As Stephen Covey says, “Start with the end in mind.”

By identifying the things that give your life meaning you begin to establish the foundation of who you are and who you want to be. One of your foundations or primary bases might be your family, one might be your work, one might be your health, etc.
The purpose of the exercise is to identify the things that are really important. The questions helped me realize that money and physical possessions are not really what makes you who you are. In fact, these were not the things that made up my overall definition of success. My friend pointed out the trap that we fall into by placing too much emphasis in the wrong areas. He also helped me realize that a stronger foundation has a wider base or more support. In total, my defining values included the following eight bases:

My family

My health

My friends

My spiritual commitments

Philanthropic and volunteer commitments

My professional life

Vacations that I want to take

My financial goals

Imagine if the bases that make up your foundation were limited to work, money and possessions. If this were the depth of your foundation, what would happen to your life balance if your company was sued and you were forced to file for bankruptcy and forfeit your possessions? The hollow nature of material possessions confirmed for me just how important it is to find proper balance in your life. It is a matter of keeping things in perspective.
Once you do reach the right balance in your life, I think it is like steering an ocean liner. You don’t need to make drastic changes. Often times, minor adjustments lead you to an entirely different destination. Commonly, I find that I need a series of little tweaks to keep things in check. With my family, it might be a vacation, with my wife it might be a date night, with work sometimes it means being more organized. It is easier to identify areas that need work when you are aware of what is most important in your life. Along the lines of establishing balance, I have heard a lot of variations of the following story, but I most recently received it in an email from my dad that goes something like this:
A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, silently, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous, “Yes.”
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed!
“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else - - the small stuff.
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing.
Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the golf balls first - - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

SETTING GOALS

The President of my company is a great dad, family man and leader. He is a very goal oriented guy who has taught many people about the power of writing down the things they want to accomplish and then holding themselves accountable to their commitments. Over the years I have taken his lessons to heart and developed a “goal book” that I have broken down into the eight sections or “bases” that are important in my life. Under each section, I have written down specific things I intend to accomplish.
For example, under family, one year, I set a goal that I wanted to coach one sport for each of my kids during the year. I coached T-ball for one of my sons, and had a rewarding season interacting with my son, his friends and their parents. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing other dads get involved and took pride in helping to leave ten four year olds with a fun first experience with baseball.
I then wanted to find something to do with my daughter; but it was not as easy. She already had a great soccer coach. I did not think she would be interested in joining the wrestling team I coached, so as an alternate, I asked my wife if I could take her place as the full time parent during the last year of my daughter’s three year-weekly parent/student piano program.
Now for those of you that know me, I am not particularly musically inclined. But I felt strongly about finding something that I could do with my daughter so that she and I could spend some important time together. I went to my first class and fumbled my way through as the pinch hitter. I was the only dad in the room and it appeared that I was just filling in. After class, my daughter said, “Daddy, let me go tell Miss Lori what’s going on.”
I sat there like a kid waiting for detention. But a couple minutes later, Miss Lori came over and said, “Do you know what you have signed up for?”
Not totally certain, I responded, “I think so.”
To which Miss Lori said, “Good for you. You will do just fine. You know, she will remember forever that you did this? If you have any questions, you call me. You can play over the phone or stay after class or whatever it takes. And if that doesn’t work, it doesn’t matter; she will do just fine and still think it’s cool that you did this.”
Talk about the right thing to say. She did not make me feel like an idiot, she encouraged me to do what I was doing. Because of her nudge, I practiced five days a week with my daughter and reached a point where playing a “duet” in front of the class was not a problem. In my order of priorities, my daughter’s piano lessons were one of the most important things I committed to during the year.
We were religious about our practice together, and although we had some difficult times (like the usual not wanting to practice in lieu of playing with friends, and a couple late nights by me trying to figure out the notes to “Chariots of Fire”), it was overall a very worthwhile endeavor for both of us.
For me, signing up for this project with my daughter was a way to complete a commitment I had made when I wrote down my “family goals.” As it relates to setting goals, I believe there is an important premise that one must recognize; if you commit to them, assign a time frame and identify the steps needed to complete the goal, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish.
Another success story about goal setting was again a direct result of the President of my company’s influence. As I began to appreciate the power of setting goals I decided to introduce the concept to the youth wrestling team I coached. I came to practice one night early in the season and gave each of the wrestlers a small spiral notebook and told them it was their “goal book” to keep. Their assignment before the next practice was to set three goals; one about wrestling, one about school and one about anything they wanted.
Relative to setting each goal they were to clearly state the goal, set a time frame for completion and identify the steps required to make it a reality. The following practice was a very bonding discussion where the kids shared in many cases some very personal pursuits. Generally the kids on the team were in junior high school ranging from ten to fourteen years old. The goal setting practice has become somewhat of a tradition and over the years some of the more memorable goals included:

“I want to win every match this year.”

“I want to get “Suzy” to go out with me.”

“I want to get along better with my parents.”

“I want to get a “B” algebra.”

“I want to fight less with my brother.”

The list goes on and on. I very clearly remember though, one young man who stated with conviction, “I want to be a state champion wrestler and go on to wrestle in college.”
This was an ambitious goal for any ten year old, but a particularly interesting one to me in light of the fact that my high school had never had a state wrestling champ (including during the time I was there). As his coach, I remember thinking that he was a reasonably talented wrestler, but it would take a significant commitment to accomplish this goal. On an annual basis, we typically had between eighty and a hundred kids a year in the program, and candidly, he was not the most talented wrestler out of the bunch.
But I watched how he worked over the years and realized that this young man was intent on accomplishing his goal. During his junior year in High School he achieved this great feat by becoming our high school’s first state champion wrestler. I was very proud of him and his commitment. As a matter of fact, he would have repeated as a state champ his senior year had it not been for a shoulder injury that rendered him a second place finish. What a powerful example of setting your mind to something and seeing it through!
Setting goals can be very effective. Write down the things that are important to you and commit to accomplish them.
My Dad has a saying; 10 two letter words to live your life by:
If it is to be it is up to me.
I believe we can make a difference in the world by our individual actions; and collectively with a bunch of committed souls, we can bring about revolutionary change. But, for this to occur, it has to start with the individual. It must begin with the daily actions that you and I choose to make. By striving to find balance in our lives, that first circle that the rock makes when it is tossed in the water will radiate and impact others in a positive way.

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